So here I am once again using a blog as a means of self-help. Some of you might know me from my first blog "Thoughts Of A First Wife." That blog was written during a time when I was living in a polygamous marriage. I am no longer in that marriage and have recently remarried. Within the past two years my life has taken a complete turn.
Until recently I was living as a single mother of six daughters. I had the support of friends and family to help me, but it still wasn't enough. I was working, going to school and had to hire a live in nanny to take care of my kids. I felt like a non-stop robot. I was always on the go. Nothing was managed properly and I felt like a failure as a mother. I mean deep down I knew how much I love my children and I would do ANYTHING for them, but I wasn't giving them a stable life. There was no routine. Our kitchen was the drive thrus because I had no time to cook. The nanny was doing my job while I was popping in and out. I hated myself.
I fell short in giving my kids their rights. I admit that now. When people used to try to give me advice on how to manage my life my defense mode would kick in and I would shut down. I didn't want to here it. Even constructive criticism was too much for me to listen to. I heard what they said and deep down knew they were right, but I didn't want to admit to myself that I couldn't do it all. The truth is I couldn't be mom and dad at the same time.
Maybe the real truth was that I could, but I just didn't want to be. I missed being married even though it wasn't the ideal marriage. I didn't miss the person I was married to, but I missed not having all the responsibility on my shoulders. My ex's paid the child support, but it paid the bills and my working paid for the nanny so I can go to school and then of course I relied on government assistance as well. All thanks is due to God because I could have never done it without HIM.He was the ultimate source for our sustenance.
My dilemma and the reason I am writing this blog is because, like I mentioned earlier..... I have remarried. I married a man who lives in a state 1500 miles away from my state. Moving was not an option for him because of his work and other reasons. I had to be the one to move. I married him knowing there was a possibility that my ex husband would not let my four youngest children move with me. I doubted he would do it because he didn't do it with his other kids and ex-wife, but I knew it was a possibility. In my religion (Islam) the father has rights of custody if the mother remarries. I can go on and on about this subject arguing it and or defending it, but I won't. This is just the fact I live with. I made a decision based on my religious beliefs to let my children live with their dad. Even now I can't believe that was the decision I made. No one would have ever imagined I could ever do this. I didn't think he would take them. I didn't think he would want the responsibility and when he did I continued to test him thinking he would cave and he didn't. He threatened to stop paying child support if I took them and went and he knew that I wouldn't be able to sustain them without it at first. Anyways I could write an entire book about what lead me to make my decision and none would put my heart at ease because the heart wants what it wants and I want my husband and my children as well.
Oddly enough I had the support of many people in taking this step. Many people felt like this was my exes chance to finally step up and take care of his responsibilities. When we lived 3 miles away from him he barely saw his kids and now he thought he could take on the full responsibility?? Well we decided to call his bluff and figured he would probably ask me to take them back by the time I had a chance to get myself situated in the new state. Starting from scratch with 6 kids would have been so difficult on all of us.
I have my two eldest daughters from a previous marriage who I took with me. I also figured this time would be great for me to reconnect with my daughters from my first marriage because they had a hard time living through the drama with me and my ex. Now they are entering teen years and it's crucial that I fix the damage done.
Anyways so here's what I am dealing with now.....My four youngest miss me so much and one is having an especially hard time emotionally. The younger girls do not understand why I took their sisters and left them behind. I am dealing with the biggest heart break ever being apart from them. I struggle with my emotions here because on the one hand I am so happy in my new marriage because I finally (ironically enough) met the man for me, but on the other hand I am living through a tormenting guilt for being happy. My husband wants my children to live with us and thinks they should, but I don't want to disrupt their lives. Their father and his wife are actually doing a great job. I hate to admit it, but I have to be truthful. I am torn and I know they are too. I doubt myself a lot.
All I need is a year to settle here and then bring them, but I don't think their father will allow that and although I know I can win against him legally I refuse to go against our religious beliefs. I know this is all so confusing, but I am here to vent what's on my chest. If anyone wants to give me some positive feedback then I am so open for that. If anyone wants to criticize or be negative I ask you to please realize that there is more to the story than I can even begin to explain. This is just a glimpse into my world. I am only here to find ways to cope and heal. I trust that God will pull me and the girls through this. I just have to trust in that. This is a test I intend to pass (God Willing)!!
Salaams Dear Vena,
ReplyDeleteNice to reconnect with you again, and mabruk on your new marriage.
Vena, how old are your four youngest girls?
The children are religiously yours until they reach 12 or 13.
ReplyDeleteI have question he never really saw his kids, I know it was a way to stick it to him to have them 24/7 but I feel for the girls, Im sure they must have hated to have to have him when they felt neglected by him to begin with. What about the example he set for them from the beginning. Is this the part of Islam you want to take with them? What he did to you and the girls is not in our religion so what could he be teaching them that is right? I hope you dont get upset but as an outsider thats just what I am thinking.
ReplyDeleteVena-
ReplyDeleteMy first thought that immediately pops into my head (actually screams it) is: religiously, since they are girls, they should be YOURS - this was my understanding! Please let me know how you figured otherwise!
My understanding in Islam is, at age 7, in a divorce, the children may choose which parent they wish to live with, mainly. But if the child cannot choose, boys go with their father and girls go with their mother.
Doesn't this just make sense, too? I mean, OF COURSE it would be better (from a mother's perspective) to have all of her children together no matter the gender. But from a biological perspective, doesn't it stand to reason that girls have their mother as a role model and boys, their father as a role model?
When I was going through a hard time in my marriage (alhamdulileh we are good now, mashaAllah), this issue of custody is what made me back away from seeking other options.
I KNOW that was and IS your heartache, too.
So: BE REALLY SURE that Islamically you've got this rights thing sorted out. There may be other scholarly opinions of what is halal and/or correct, custody-wise.
Also, be sure about what you want. You say that your ex and his wife (Lisa, I presume, right?) are doing a good job. Are you insinuating that perhaps they should keep the girls? Or do you really want them with you?
I'm so sorry for your new heartache. But ALHAMDULILEH that your new marriage is going well. Does your new husband wish for the rest of your girls to join you?
Also, (nosy question, you don't have to answer) what's this new husband's nationality? Just curious. :)
I'm glad you're again finding solace in writing - it is GREAT therapy. And I hope you get some useful information/advice/listening ears/consolation from people.
I wish the best for you and your family. May Allah bless you and your children with what is best for each of you, and may He make the way EASY for you. Ameen.
P.S. I may be wrong about that Islamic custody issue - I'm really not sure. But your situation is complicated, so it probably requires specific advice from a sheikh inshaAllah. Seek out all your options!
ReplyDeleteAs sallamu alaikum,
ReplyDeleteWhen you receive this may it find in the best of health and the highest eaman. My dear sister I have been following your blog for over a year now and I love you for the sake of Allah. However I don't recognize you anymore. You seem so different. I will make dua that you return to the remembrance of Allah and the awesomeness of your former spirit. Allah places trials in our lives to refine our character not destroy us. May Allah ta' alla shower you with his mercy.
can i have a hadith or quraanicayaat that the kids belong to the dad before marrying another man or after ??? all the hadiths i knw is that the mother is most important as the prophet said who next ur mom who next ur mom wu next ur mom and then ur dad and many other hadith....i am dvorced my kid is mine! ive told him he dont need to pay child support and can forgt we ever existed if he wants no problem i forgive him anyway.....i will remarry again inshlh why not? im so young ....and my daughter will stay with me and new hubby until she matures and when she does we will move in with my parents she will wear her hijaab and have her own room next to my parents :)
ReplyDeleteHow are you doing, sister Vena? I hope all is well for you inshaAllah.
ReplyDeletehow are you sister vena! maa salam
ReplyDeleteIs your Husband still with Lisa? Please l
ReplyDeletePlease let us know what went wrong that you divorced him? Also we would be grateful if you could explain him choosing her at the cost of you??
ReplyDeletewarm regards
Dear Vena,
ReplyDeleteLike many others I happened to find your blog, only to spend the next couple of days reading right through it like a novel. And then I find to my disappointment that it ends on a cliffhanger, with this this one post on your new blog!
I hope the silence means you are happy and contented, which I guess would mean you have all six daughters living with you. You so deserve to be happy and contented!!
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I admire your writing, and think you're an amazing person. I wish you every blessing!
I have read some posts from your previous blogs and it was a wake up call for me, and it became justified that Quran is for all times, in the sense as state of societies change, its every other verse will come to use, its really practical, it was really brave of u to try to work your marriage out for the sake of Allah and his pleasure and I pray for u dearly, as i read from one post to another, i felt really sad and learned more about female intuitions and feelings, i agree polygamy is permitted the Quran but see how many times it is warned against it saying about justice to the wife or Allah himself affirming that he knows that men will not be able to do it which is enough to discourage it, as i started reading from 2006 onwards, there are things i noticed done which was wrong or mistaken due to which you fell in this dilemma, we are not living in a society like early islamic days where polygamy was a norm, neither in an age where women are really few in number,compared to men, 1stly , you shouldn't have given liberty to your husband to mingle too much with lisa as they are not mahrem, people learn it the hard way, it is haram, and what would u expect when u leave a person with a beautiful woman, even if for humanitarian purposes and should've forseen the consequences, seeing from a moral side, she accepted Islam, and a divorcee so it would be a great deed but both of them are human. I see you were torn apart and felt so much joy when u got an extra day, you are an amazing person who knows how to love, Lisa was beautiful and ur husband was susceptible and he's a man who will look for sexual variety and Lisa is a western girl looking for intimacy which she discovered in your husband,and he readily agreed meaning there was many inside jobs before and good thing they married for demolishing lesser of the two evil, but where you stalled was she was an open person ready to share partner and you were not and using mere justifications that u did it for the sake of Allah. But Allah has given you options to move out and you felt betrayed numerous number of times and polygamy was not your piece of cake but Lisa's as she was the open person,not you, we won't live for hundreds of years and should know how to adapt quickly or ull miss out in your short life and fitna will arise if Allah's rule is just for giving men more freedom which on the other hand can be justified logically, i pray that Allah gives u the deed for showing Lisa the right path even if it came at your own expense, may Allah accept your sacrifice which came in the form of your most beloved possession,and may he forgive the bigger and smaller sins you have committed for keeping your ex husband a little while longer, and give you peace in your heart, and admit you into the jannah most suited for the virtuous and patience muslims. what i wouldn't do to get a loving wife like you.
ReplyDeleteby the way, you should never stick to a situation just coz Allah will be pleased, you should find the best alternatives given by Allah to suit your needs and please him at the same time.
DeleteAssalam Alaikum. I just found your last blog after searching online about how to cope with one's husband getting a second wife. I literally read the whole thing in one night, I couldn't stop. I know it's years later but I'm just dying to know what ended up happening...Your story has benefited me in understanding that I'm not alone. I can't imagine the pain you went through and I believe and pray that Allah will reward you greatly.
ReplyDeleteAssalam Alaikum~ Your blog really provided valuable insight to polygny. I hope you have found happiness and enlightenment as I did in your account. Thank you for having shared...
ReplyDeleteAssalamalaikum sister
ReplyDeleteI am so inspired with your blog. I know its been years. I read your blog "Thoughts of the First Wife" and is really really helpful specially to those like me who will soon experience this polygamy thing. I cried and felt your pain. You are a very strong woman. You deserve to be happy and I pray that you are ok wherever you are. I am so lost and don't know whom to speak, and because of you I have decided to start also my own blog. You said before that maybe somewhere, somehow your blog will be beneficial to others, and you started your blog more or less 9 years to this date and here I am, finding comfort, finding answer on how a life i might face in polygamy. Shukran, shukran. I really need somebody to speak up to about my situation. I have too much questions about this so I am finding any source I could have. If any sister could help me or other sisters that in same situation as I am, I will really appreciate your help, and to any sister who needs someone to talk to we can email. hislittleserr@gmail.com
My blog is confessionofalittlesecret.blogspot.com
Godbless.
I've started a blog too. My husband has taken a second but my story starts back at the physical abuse from our marriage. And 8 years later be remarries again.
ReplyDeletehttp://silentwifesilentlife.blogspot.ba/?m=1