So here I am once again using a blog as a means of self-help. Some of you might know me from my first blog "Thoughts Of A First Wife." That blog was written during a time when I was living in a polygamous marriage. I am no longer in that marriage and have recently remarried. Within the past two years my life has taken a complete turn.
Until recently I was living as a single mother of six daughters. I had the support of friends and family to help me, but it still wasn't enough. I was working, going to school and had to hire a live in nanny to take care of my kids. I felt like a non-stop robot. I was always on the go. Nothing was managed properly and I felt like a failure as a mother. I mean deep down I knew how much I love my children and I would do ANYTHING for them, but I wasn't giving them a stable life. There was no routine. Our kitchen was the drive thrus because I had no time to cook. The nanny was doing my job while I was popping in and out. I hated myself.
I fell short in giving my kids their rights. I admit that now. When people used to try to give me advice on how to manage my life my defense mode would kick in and I would shut down. I didn't want to here it. Even constructive criticism was too much for me to listen to. I heard what they said and deep down knew they were right, but I didn't want to admit to myself that I couldn't do it all. The truth is I couldn't be mom and dad at the same time.
Maybe the real truth was that I could, but I just didn't want to be. I missed being married even though it wasn't the ideal marriage. I didn't miss the person I was married to, but I missed not having all the responsibility on my shoulders. My ex's paid the child support, but it paid the bills and my working paid for the nanny so I can go to school and then of course I relied on government assistance as well. All thanks is due to God because I could have never done it without HIM.He was the ultimate source for our sustenance.
My dilemma and the reason I am writing this blog is because, like I mentioned earlier..... I have remarried. I married a man who lives in a state 1500 miles away from my state. Moving was not an option for him because of his work and other reasons. I had to be the one to move. I married him knowing there was a possibility that my ex husband would not let my four youngest children move with me. I doubted he would do it because he didn't do it with his other kids and ex-wife, but I knew it was a possibility. In my religion (Islam) the father has rights of custody if the mother remarries. I can go on and on about this subject arguing it and or defending it, but I won't. This is just the fact I live with. I made a decision based on my religious beliefs to let my children live with their dad. Even now I can't believe that was the decision I made. No one would have ever imagined I could ever do this. I didn't think he would take them. I didn't think he would want the responsibility and when he did I continued to test him thinking he would cave and he didn't. He threatened to stop paying child support if I took them and went and he knew that I wouldn't be able to sustain them without it at first. Anyways I could write an entire book about what lead me to make my decision and none would put my heart at ease because the heart wants what it wants and I want my husband and my children as well.
Oddly enough I had the support of many people in taking this step. Many people felt like this was my exes chance to finally step up and take care of his responsibilities. When we lived 3 miles away from him he barely saw his kids and now he thought he could take on the full responsibility?? Well we decided to call his bluff and figured he would probably ask me to take them back by the time I had a chance to get myself situated in the new state. Starting from scratch with 6 kids would have been so difficult on all of us.
I have my two eldest daughters from a previous marriage who I took with me. I also figured this time would be great for me to reconnect with my daughters from my first marriage because they had a hard time living through the drama with me and my ex. Now they are entering teen years and it's crucial that I fix the damage done.
Anyways so here's what I am dealing with now.....My four youngest miss me so much and one is having an especially hard time emotionally. The younger girls do not understand why I took their sisters and left them behind. I am dealing with the biggest heart break ever being apart from them. I struggle with my emotions here because on the one hand I am so happy in my new marriage because I finally (ironically enough) met the man for me, but on the other hand I am living through a tormenting guilt for being happy. My husband wants my children to live with us and thinks they should, but I don't want to disrupt their lives. Their father and his wife are actually doing a great job. I hate to admit it, but I have to be truthful. I am torn and I know they are too. I doubt myself a lot.
All I need is a year to settle here and then bring them, but I don't think their father will allow that and although I know I can win against him legally I refuse to go against our religious beliefs. I know this is all so confusing, but I am here to vent what's on my chest. If anyone wants to give me some positive feedback then I am so open for that. If anyone wants to criticize or be negative I ask you to please realize that there is more to the story than I can even begin to explain. This is just a glimpse into my world. I am only here to find ways to cope and heal. I trust that God will pull me and the girls through this. I just have to trust in that. This is a test I intend to pass (God Willing)!!
